Memories

I have been reflecting , as per usual.

I tend to always be up in the clouds in the mist of memories or fixated on something.

The memories as of late have been specific and clear, not sure why I keep moving through memories particularly the last breath of the people I have lost. Both deaths significant, yet so different.

I keep seeing the memories from afar no longer attached to the pain like they used to be. I am now watching them happen, from the outside and I can see the pain and the devastation she felt. That was my first experience with loss and boy was it painful.

I can see her disbelief and shock but in the same breath the truth that I refused to see then. Time heals , we hear that a lot.. I heard that a lot. It’s not that it heals, we just learn to adapt. To process, but just as much as I can observe those memories, some days they suck me right back in. I can’t help but feel the pain. Think of the “what if’s” .. cry again and mourn the loss again. But this time with the wisdom that it gave me, the growth that it created.

Both deaths have shown me my growth.  The second instance I was more stoic. I understood death now,  its a part of the journey for all of us. Still it wasn’t expected this time either but I understood why it was happening.

I mourned but I wasn’t crushed by it this time. I held her hand and I was there for the transition this time, I was present. I didn’t run, I dealt with it. I know now, that the physical is gone but the energy remains. I understand now that its a transition and not an ending.

I keep seeing those memories because they have shown me my growth, in times where I feel stagnant my subconscious is giving me a reminder that I am not.

I move , I flow , I stumble and fall but I always stand right back up.

Grateful for the subtle reminders that I have evolved, grateful for the memories that come that bring smiles into my space and even the tears, because both have molded me.