Thirty-one

 

I will be thirty one this November.

Insane.

Well life happens we grown and get old. I just don’t feel it.

I have always been told that I am mature for my age, in ways I did feel ahead of my time. But sitting here thinking thirty one, but when did I get here?

My twenties were indeed a roller coaster ride. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted shit I didn’t know what I needed. I was still incased in this bubble, protected from the outside world and I didn’t want to leave.

Life’s turns drastically changed that. At twenty six I found myself out of that safety bubble, broken, hurt, and unsure of what would come next. All I felt was alone, there was this emptiness and this sorrow I didn’t know how to fill or make it go away.

The one person who for those years made me feel safe and secure was gone. Now I was left to figure it out. To face my fears, my crutch was gone. Just like that.

I didn’t want to. But I did.

I was left broken, and unsure, but I rise. I am able to endure a lot and somehow I keep going.

It took me four years. But I did it. I healed; I faced rooted issues within myself. It wasn’t easy, it was painful, it was chaos, it was putting the puzzles together of things to make them fit and heal.

My twenties thought me lessons. It gave me new perspectives; it propelled my growth in ways that I didn’t think where possible. For the first time I put myself first. It took some drastic life challenges for me to get to the point where I focused on me.

The late part of my twenties allowed me to really figure me out. Be selfish and explore my wants and needs. I am grateful for that. I know who I am more now, then I did back then. I have come into my own, but there is still so much to explore.

We constantly change and grow. I am open to new experiences these next few years.

May my dirty thirties be magical, may I learn and grow, and may my glow up be even more magnificent.

May I accomplish what I set out to do, am grateful for another year in this planet.

Life is magical, open your eyes and see it for what it really is.

 

  • Z

 

 

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Sexual Energy

 

Healing has been one of my focuses in this lifetime. How to heal myself, from all sorts of things. It hasn’t been easy. It has taken me a long time to really understand and hear my body.

Because let me say this body tries so hard to talk to us, but we don’t often listen. We often push things away until it becomes more serious, and then we sit there and wonder how didn’t we see this disease/illness coming?

Well the signs are always there but we ignore or think, well this will go away nothing to worry about. I’m a big believer in TCM (traditional Chinese Medicine) in energy, in emotions creating illness, in balance. But I wasn’t always into it; it took time for me to wake up to this truth. I respect everyone’s beliefs to each their own. I may sound crazy to some of the people around me but I believe in this and I see it work for me.

One of my meridian points in my body was extra sensitive this past week, my body talking to me. Its SP6 it deals with menstruation, digestive health all that good stuff. I looked into it and I massaged it, it helped. After the fact it brought my period along, it was stagnant and me massaging the trigger point helped it along. I try and listen to what I am being communicated.

I am more aware now than I have ever before. My emotions are strong, and intense. I create havoc within myself sometimes. I had a sexual encounter not too long ago that brought on a lot of feeling of unworthiness and emptiness. I was very hard on myself. It was my choice I wasn’t forced, but I knew better. I doubted the whole thing, something felt off to me. I no longer just want sex; I need a connection to feel whole. I recognize my worth and I want someone with substance. Sex is sex but what is left after if I have no substance? For me that is no longer a viable option.

I felt nothing. I sat in my car after thinking why did you even put yourself in this position knowing better? I didn’t listen to myself. It happened; I needed so I could recognize my growth. Yes I felt like shit after the fact, but in that lies the lesson.

This is something others can do, and hey good for you. I have no judgments. But for me it’s no longer an option. I can’t give my energy to anyone not reciprocating me. I can’t keep feeling depleted like this.

Sexual energy is very powerful and it can be very healing. But it has to be mutual. When it’s not, one person always takes more than the other. One person may feel exhausted after the fact while the other is full of energy. When it’s not a mutual exchange the energy is taken by the person leaving the other depleted. Does that make sense?

I want to have an even exchange and experience wholeness again. Sex is more than just sex, its intimate our essence connect and bond, its bliss. I won’t settle for less anymore. My womb is a creator, it gives life. I won’t accept energy that is toxic to me anymore.

After I had that experience I was hard on myself. I neglected myself. I was angry. There was a lot of self-hate, and resentment, one because I didn’t listen to my instinct. I knew it wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. I don’t listen. I doubt my instinct often. But this was a big lesson for me.

There was shame in what I did, I felt empty and that made me sad and I was disappointed. After creating animosity within self I created illness. Where you ask? In my root chakra of course. Our root is linked to our sexuality. I was ashamed of mine. I created a cyst in my ovary.

Listen to some people who read this, it may sound nuts and its ok. Laugh if it makes it better. I know my body and I know I did this. I take responsibility for it. But I will heal myself.

Self-love with heal me. Love is powerful energy more so than anger. I am making changes in what I intake, I don’t take medicine. I look to earth to help me. Plants are extraordinary doctors. There are so many plants that heal, but some people don’t see them as powerful as they are.

I do. I surround myself with earth energy, grounding myself and healing myself. We create illness unconsciously. I believe that and I believe we have the power to reverse it.

There are a lot of resources online now. Books are essential too. They are full of so much knowledge.

  • Z

 

Lethargic

I have been feeling out of place and just lethargic for the last few weeks. I feel I’m just going with the motions not really living just being. I don’t like it. I don’t have a sense of purpose.

I hate not feeling happy or passionate about what I’m doing. I am no longer happy here at this work environment, its draining me. I can feel it day by day.

I hate this.

I have no sense of motivation; nothing has been able to spark me back to life. I don’t understand why. I want to create I want to be happy and passionate, but I’m just existing. There is a purpose for this too, I just can’t see it.

I am being left to find my way. To really see what I want from this life. The universe is ready to provide it waits for me. This flow to you I hear, well yea but what do I want?

I want to write, I want to travel and explore and photograph the magic that is this world. I want to live a life full of laughter and passion. That’s all I want.

I’ve never really had a plan for my life. Things have happened that always set me into a new direction. I never thought I should plan anything, I never knew what the next day would bring. Once as a child I remember dreaming about being a lawyer. I was so excited about it, so determined.

But my spark was quickly turned off. I allowed others to shut my dreams down. They tried to dim my light in other ways too, but I kept moving forward broken but moving.

Here I am, looking back and I can see how far I have come, but I never allowed myself to have dreams.

Well I am allowing myself today.

I am.

Everything I was told I couldn’t be.

I am a writer, and no one’s approval is required.

I am an artist I paint my soul into a canvas, and no one will ever realize it.

I am magnificent; I am a woman in all my glory.

I am flawed, this stomach isn’t flat it carries with it stretch marks. This skin is flawed it carries with it scars. These eyes are brown like my skin, I am an immigrant my children will be first generation Mexican –American.

I am more than you think I am. I am resilient.

I am.

  • Z

Cycles

From the days leading to the eclipse and now still my emotions child, are running crazy.

The moon affects me in ways I can’t understand. As I woman I am n sync with the moon, my body cleanses itself. But the eclipse it’s brought up shadows in me. It has made me really see how I have created my reality. We are creators I have said that before. I see how some patterns have affected me now, stemming from childhood. I didn’t realize it until literally a few days ago. I have had several Aha moments, which turned into, well shit moment.

I read something online that triggered one of those moments. It said something along the lines of “I have never had an example of what a real man does in a relationship, so I accept all the things that are toxic.” I sat there looking at that statement and all I could think was damn.

My father was around but wasn’t present. He was a drunk; most of the days were spent sleeping in the couch while our world kept moving. He was never a father or a husband. I grew up without that male figure that I needed. I always thought it didn’t affect me in a deep level. Well I was wrong. It did, I just never connected the dots I guess, and I never tracked it back to the lack of a father. Men have been toxic to me; it all began with my father.

I am mind blown at this realization. It all makes sense now. How could I not see that?

The man who was the one who contributed life to create me didn’t care. Alcohol was more important. If that one person who is “supposed” to love you and guide you failed then what else was I to expect from other men?

I learned early on that I wasn’t worth the time or energy. Not from men anyway. I correlated my worth with the lack of attention my father gave me. He didn’t see my worth so why would anyone else? That’s deep. I finally see it. So I didn’t trust men, I still don’t. I expected them to be albescent in my life. So I attracted men who were in a way absent and most where emotionally not present.

I attracted that. I created that for myself. I see that now.

Then when I was sexually abused that made it worse. I needed my father to rescue me, to defend me. He didn’t. I felt I deserved it all of that bullshit. My self-worth was nonexistent. Again another man taught me this is what I deserved. That part of my life I blacked out. It will come to light to I presume.

But back to my dad, you see how I created these conditions for myself?

Its toxic way of going around life, all the men in my life have been emotionally absent. That was my normal. But I craved emotional intimacy, I still do. But now I see what I have done, and what I have created. I’m going to change it.

My father may have not been ready to be a dad, but there I was. He may have not known how to be a father to a girl, but there I was. He could have changed his ways but he didn’t. That’s on him. He missed out on my life, and I can’t do anything about it now. I accepted early on that it was just my mom. He asked me for forgiveness a few months ago, I didn’t even know how to take it. I sat there with no emotion. All I could think was but why couldn’t you put in the effort like you did with my brother? He has a relationship with him. I didn’t say anything, I was empty.

He just looked into my eyes and I could see he meant it. But I was frozen; I didn’t know how to take it. It’s done, he hurt me more than he realizes. I am happy my brother has a relationship with him; I just don’t see myself opening up to him.

I need to heal these traumas now. No more accepting less than what I deserve. I have gone through a lot in my life and I am so grateful for moments like this that allow me to heal and see how I have been toxic to myself.

Change begins with us. I will break the cycle now; my kids won’t have these issues.

It ends with me.

-Z

Allow

I sit at my desk, I have plenty to do. But instead I chose to write. Writing has been an escape for me, I write the pain away. It has been a good way to release for me.

This blog is that, a release. I tend to keep to myself, I tend to internalize. I need to talk things out when I am having internal conflict with myself or anyone.

I am able to detangle the chaos.

I can see it in my mind; I can see how my action or lack thereof brought me to the situations I am in.

I don’t have any issue to resolve but have you just sat and observed all that is?

I am sitting here watching the palm trees from the window, the wind making them dance for me. It’s a beautiful sight to see.

I am tiny in this world. I am but a mere soul in the universe. I watch the plants on the window and see how day by day they grow. I water them and I talk to them, I see them giving birth to a new leaf or I see them grow stronger.

I also see how they let go, of those that no longer serve them. It’s a part of the cycle. Let go, to allow something else within us to flourish.

How beautiful is that. The plant doesn’t see it as anything else but growth. But we humans tend to put so much thought into letting go.

Why?

It’s all part of growing. We should be more like nature and allow. But here I sit knowing that we have emotions that make things so much more complex.

Observe how magical we are and how magical everything else is. I had a blister on my thumb the skin peeled off and the skin was raw. It hurt to the touch or any movement.

I have been watching it heal. How amazing is our body. Every day I saw the progress, the energy it took to heal me. It didn’t ask for anything it just healed.

Now the wound has healed it sealed itself and left no scar. We take advantage of the power of our body. How wonderful it is to us, and yet some of us disrespect it. We don’t nourish it; we abuse it to a degree. But it doesn’t care it still heals us.

Observe how small you are in this universe yet powerful. We are creators. We bring life into the world.

We are so complex. We are a part of all that is.

I sit here in awe of what is. Of how everything just flows, if we allow it. .

Nothing is ever out of place, everything coexist in harmony, if we allow it.

Allow it.

-Z

Childhood

Growing up love wasn’t spoken of or said to me or any of us.

Growing up in a Mexican household its almost taboo, well it was in my family. Machismo takes over; pride doesn’t allow men to love or to show emotion. Men are stern, and proud. Affection wasn’t something I had growing up.

It was something I craved. But I didn’t get it. It just wasn’t us. You learn to live in a certain setting that was mine. But we are able to stop cycles and create new ones. For that I am grateful.

I don’t know why, but no one in the family ever says it. It doesn’t make any of us less or weaker because we talk about it or express it. But it had been going on for generations. We tend to replicate what we know. I never blame either parent it was how they grew up.

But now I am choosing to create change. I make sure my niece and nephews are able to express themselves without it feeling awkward. From the time they were young I always made sure they knew I loved them. Make sure they knew and heard how beautiful they are. How proud I am of them. I want them to understand and know their worth. To be able to walk with their heads high knowing they are loved.

I am proud of my brother for also changing. I constantly see him being affectionate to his kids. Telling them he loves them. I’m glad he also broke that cycle. It took my mom a little bit but after the birth of my youngest sister she now makes sure we know.

This may seem weird to some. But it has been my reality for so long. I am grateful that we are creating change in our family. Machismo isn’t something we are feeding anymore.

If we want something to change we have to be catalyst for it.

Alcohol was also very prominent in our family. Growing up with an alcoholic dad wasn’t fun. It was sad, and hurtful. Drinking is made to be very normal. We are encouraged to drink for a young age. It’s something we all laugh at. I was given my first sip of alcohol before I was a teenager. Its encouraged it’s laughed at. It becomes normal, more for the boys. It’s almost a rite of passage, but no one ever talks about the consequences.

My father never worked, drinking was his life. I never saw him sober. That is sad. All the memories I have of him are drinking or passed out in the couch from it. This isn’t the glamourous life; my mom had to work multiple jobs at a time just to get us fed. Even then we barely managed. Somehow she managed to pay rent but we grew up with a lot of lack. But she never let us feel it. Being the oldest I saw it, I remember it. It sucked.

I had to step in because he didn’t. I learned to cook; I kept the house clean as best as I could, I made sure my brother got up for school. Made sure the others were fed.

He would hit her. That was something no one ever said anything about. It was allowed. It was brushed under the rug. Everyone knew it but no one stood up to say enough. Not even mom, she was made to believe this was normal. It just something men do.

NO.

It’s not normal.

So much was seen growing up; so much that I wanted to change. He stole from us.

Mom bought me a ring for my quince; I know how much she had to have saved to get me that. I had told her not to have the big quinceanera for me. I knew we couldn’t afford it I refused to put her through that. Well she gave me this ring, simple but it meant the world to me.

Well my dad stole it, pawned it, and bought beer.

Happy birthday to me.

I am grateful mom had enough and divorced. He was toxic for all of us. I saw it. My siblings being younger didn’t. My brother in particular, he loved him so much nothing he did was ever wrong. He was angry at my mom for a very long time. He chose to see what he wanted until recently.

Machismo isn’t cute. Its toxic, is controlling.

Alcoholism isn’t fun, it’s shameful, it’s toxic, and it destroys.

We are made to believe they are otherwise. We laugh and joke about it. But I see nothing funny about it. We lived it.

I am grateful for the change we created. I am grateful to know that the new generation won’t be growing up in a toxic environment.

If we want change we have to create it. We have to end cycles.

Things repeat because we allow them to.

Enough is enough.

– Z

 

Ego

Ego is destructive and a liar.

When we live life through ego we are living through fear.

Ego exists in fear. It feeds on fear. Its self serving.

Its focus is to “protect” those living in ego or allowing ego to take over. Ego doesn’t live from place of love.

Love and ego don’t co-exist. Ego is pain it creates hostility, its envy, its hatred, its control.

I have met a few people who exist in ego. They are always guarded. Always ready to strike. They take things as attacks. They perceive life in a way in which they want to control. Because controlling the situation in their mind makes it easy.

They are manipulators, and liars. Some to a point that they believe the lies they tell.

I had a run in with one. I don’t like lies; I don’t see the point in lying. All things hidden always come to light. I am honest and transparent and I want that in return. I was blinded I chose to believe even though my instinct said otherwise.

I caught that person in a lie. I had proof, I showed him and I just said “please don’t lie to me; I am the last person who wants to be fed lies. You know this, the lies never stay hidden they always come to light.”

Well his reaction surprised me but it didn’t. He denied it all, even though I had proof. He went off like I have never seen before, accusing me of lying. Trying to blame me for his outburst. I was to blame for his anger, because he was livid.

How dare I?

I sat there and just read what he said. I wasn’t angry, I had no reaction. Nor did I respond, because I don’t argue with ego.

I recognized the ego fighting and trying to defend itself. I let him say what he needed. Accuse, blame, and hurt. That’s what ego does. In his mind he is right, he believes the lie he told. Who am I to argue? Nothing I could have said would have changed that. I stepped back. I allowed him to be who he thinks he is.

People don’t faze me like they used to. I have learned to see beyond the face they give to the world. It makes me sad that some feel the need to live life hidden. I am a very understanding person, I understand life. I don’t need to be told fables. I don’t get the point of lies. I really don’t.

This was eye opening to me. I chose to see this person in his true essence. The person living through the heart. True self has no room for ego. True self is love.

I realized not everyone is living in that way. But still I choose to see the good in people. He went into defense mode, and stung who he thought was the enemy trying to take the mask off.

I am not the enemy. The enemy is ego.

Once we start to see what ego does and we are mindful we become conscious of that and change it. The soul has no secret that the behavior does not reveal. It all comes to light.

There is so much magic in honesty and I wish everyone could see that.

People, who are hurt, view the world as a hurtful place. We all react from a place of our state. We don’t separate it. Those who are in pain who are suffering inflict pain. Love them anyway. Because they need it more than you realize. That’s how they protect themselves they sting others.

I get it. I see it.

I still love you for my love has no conditions. But I won’t allow your ego to hurt me. I won’t allow your ego to belittle me. I will love you from afar until you see who you truly are.

– Z