Release

I’ve met someone.

But not for the first time, my soul recognize him. I can’t pin point to you from when. I just have this knowing and this trust that this isn’t our first time around one another.

This wasn’t our first encounter, it was a reunion. That’s how I feel. I can’t find the words to express this feeling but I know I don’t want it to disappear. The feeling of familiarity was mutual. It’s like we haven’t seen one another in years and it didn’t matter, we picked up right where we left off.

He is comfort, laughter, trust, and magic. He is in my same wave length. The connection is spiritual he recognizes it as well, he trusted before I did.

I feared it.

I was in a situationship before, he was a narcissist. Need I say more?

He fucked me up mentally. I didn’t feel I was worthy. He would bring me down but boost me up enough to keep me around. I knew it was a situationship, I knew he didn’t define me. I knew that was his perspective and not my truth. But I stayed around, because deep in me this is what I felt I deserved. He brought out of my insecurities my fears. He didn’t bring out the bliss in me.

I didn’t realize he was a narcissist though, until recently. That really got me. That’s when the veil finally dropped and I saw him for what he was. But I also understood why he acted like he did, controlling a situation because of fear, hiding behind this ego because fear.

Ego is fear based I see that. People hide behind what they can. I know he was hidden self and protecting himself as well. I could see it. As much as I tried to “save him” and tried to show him he wasn’t that, that ego was a liar he wasn’t ready. I had to learn the hard way that I’m not responsible for saving anyone. We all have to walk our path and grow; I can’t fight anyone else’s battle, or force them to see what they aren’t ready to. My problem is and will be that I can see people for who they really are, behind ego, their true self. I saw it in him, but I allowed him to hurt me thinking “but I see you, this isn’t you, it’s just a phase.” It maybe I don’t know, but he wasn’t ready to let go of fear and allow someone to love him.

Love scared him. Love to him is pain. I can’t force anyone else to see my truth when their truth is different. I tried until I ran ragged. I hope one day you see that all I wanted was to love you, and I did. You pushed me away but this time I’m not coming back. I love myself more. I love myself enough to walk away and let you find yourself.

Looking back a lot of things now made sense. But things happen as they need to. I was ready to let go. I had to really work on myself to release those shadows buried with in me of unworthiness.

I did. I told myself enough. You may have felt broken and unwanted at one point or another but not anymore. I am worthy of love. I am deserving. I won’t allow others to treat me like this. I have grown to love myself for who I am. That has been a long and difficult road but I’m here now.

I kid you not; as soon as I released the toxic energy fell into place for me to meet him.

I needed to put myself first, to understand that I deserved everything good. Once I saw that and released those thoughts the universe sent me someone who saw everything in me I finally did.

He makes me laugh, he understand me. He understands the way I view life. I am vibrating higher now.

But why do we settle? We are condition by previous circumstances we have been through I feel. I know I was. But we have to learn to releases someone else’s perspective on us. THEIR perspective is not our truth. No one defines me but me.

No one can bring me down to that level unless I allow it. No more.

I am worthy.

Fuck what anyone else thinks of me in any form.

You don’t define any part of me. I love myself enough.

– Z

Allow

I sit at my desk, I have plenty to do. But instead I chose to write. Writing has been an escape for me, I write the pain away. It has been a good way to release for me.

This blog is that, a release. I tend to keep to myself, I tend to internalize. I need to talk things out when I am having internal conflict with myself or anyone.

I am able to detangle the chaos.

I can see it in my mind; I can see how my action or lack thereof brought me to the situations I am in.

I don’t have any issue to resolve but have you just sat and observed all that is?

I am sitting here watching the palm trees from the window, the wind making them dance for me. It’s a beautiful sight to see.

I am tiny in this world. I am but a mere soul in the universe. I watch the plants on the window and see how day by day they grow. I water them and I talk to them, I see them giving birth to a new leaf or I see them grow stronger.

I also see how they let go, of those that no longer serve them. It’s a part of the cycle. Let go, to allow something else within us to flourish.

How beautiful is that. The plant doesn’t see it as anything else but growth. But we humans tend to put so much thought into letting go.

Why?

It’s all part of growing. We should be more like nature and allow. But here I sit knowing that we have emotions that make things so much more complex.

Observe how magical we are and how magical everything else is. I had a blister on my thumb the skin peeled off and the skin was raw. It hurt to the touch or any movement.

I have been watching it heal. How amazing is our body. Every day I saw the progress, the energy it took to heal me. It didn’t ask for anything it just healed.

Now the wound has healed it sealed itself and left no scar. We take advantage of the power of our body. How wonderful it is to us, and yet some of us disrespect it. We don’t nourish it; we abuse it to a degree. But it doesn’t care it still heals us.

Observe how small you are in this universe yet powerful. We are creators. We bring life into the world.

We are so complex. We are a part of all that is.

I sit here in awe of what is. Of how everything just flows, if we allow it. .

Nothing is ever out of place, everything coexist in harmony, if we allow it.

Allow it.

-Z

Childhood

Growing up love wasn’t spoken of or said to me or any of us.

Growing up in a Mexican household its almost taboo, well it was in my family. Machismo takes over; pride doesn’t allow men to love or to show emotion. Men are stern, and proud. Affection wasn’t something I had growing up.

It was something I craved. But I didn’t get it. It just wasn’t us. You learn to live in a certain setting that was mine. But we are able to stop cycles and create new ones. For that I am grateful.

I don’t know why, but no one in the family ever says it. It doesn’t make any of us less or weaker because we talk about it or express it. But it had been going on for generations. We tend to replicate what we know. I never blame either parent it was how they grew up.

But now I am choosing to create change. I make sure my niece and nephews are able to express themselves without it feeling awkward. From the time they were young I always made sure they knew I loved them. Make sure they knew and heard how beautiful they are. How proud I am of them. I want them to understand and know their worth. To be able to walk with their heads high knowing they are loved.

I am proud of my brother for also changing. I constantly see him being affectionate to his kids. Telling them he loves them. I’m glad he also broke that cycle. It took my mom a little bit but after the birth of my youngest sister she now makes sure we know.

This may seem weird to some. But it has been my reality for so long. I am grateful that we are creating change in our family. Machismo isn’t something we are feeding anymore.

If we want something to change we have to be catalyst for it.

Alcohol was also very prominent in our family. Growing up with an alcoholic dad wasn’t fun. It was sad, and hurtful. Drinking is made to be very normal. We are encouraged to drink for a young age. It’s something we all laugh at. I was given my first sip of alcohol before I was a teenager. Its encouraged it’s laughed at. It becomes normal, more for the boys. It’s almost a rite of passage, but no one ever talks about the consequences.

My father never worked, drinking was his life. I never saw him sober. That is sad. All the memories I have of him are drinking or passed out in the couch from it. This isn’t the glamourous life; my mom had to work multiple jobs at a time just to get us fed. Even then we barely managed. Somehow she managed to pay rent but we grew up with a lot of lack. But she never let us feel it. Being the oldest I saw it, I remember it. It sucked.

I had to step in because he didn’t. I learned to cook; I kept the house clean as best as I could, I made sure my brother got up for school. Made sure the others were fed.

He would hit her. That was something no one ever said anything about. It was allowed. It was brushed under the rug. Everyone knew it but no one stood up to say enough. Not even mom, she was made to believe this was normal. It just something men do.

NO.

It’s not normal.

So much was seen growing up; so much that I wanted to change. He stole from us.

Mom bought me a ring for my quince; I know how much she had to have saved to get me that. I had told her not to have the big quinceanera for me. I knew we couldn’t afford it I refused to put her through that. Well she gave me this ring, simple but it meant the world to me.

Well my dad stole it, pawned it, and bought beer.

Happy birthday to me.

I am grateful mom had enough and divorced. He was toxic for all of us. I saw it. My siblings being younger didn’t. My brother in particular, he loved him so much nothing he did was ever wrong. He was angry at my mom for a very long time. He chose to see what he wanted until recently.

Machismo isn’t cute. Its toxic, is controlling.

Alcoholism isn’t fun, it’s shameful, it’s toxic, and it destroys.

We are made to believe they are otherwise. We laugh and joke about it. But I see nothing funny about it. We lived it.

I am grateful for the change we created. I am grateful to know that the new generation won’t be growing up in a toxic environment.

If we want change we have to create it. We have to end cycles.

Things repeat because we allow them to.

Enough is enough.

– Z

 

Ego

Ego is destructive and a liar.

When we live life through ego we are living through fear.

Ego exists in fear. It feeds on fear. Its self serving.

Its focus is to “protect” those living in ego or allowing ego to take over. Ego doesn’t live from place of love.

Love and ego don’t co-exist. Ego is pain it creates hostility, its envy, its hatred, its control.

I have met a few people who exist in ego. They are always guarded. Always ready to strike. They take things as attacks. They perceive life in a way in which they want to control. Because controlling the situation in their mind makes it easy.

They are manipulators, and liars. Some to a point that they believe the lies they tell.

I had a run in with one. I don’t like lies; I don’t see the point in lying. All things hidden always come to light. I am honest and transparent and I want that in return. I was blinded I chose to believe even though my instinct said otherwise.

I caught that person in a lie. I had proof, I showed him and I just said “please don’t lie to me; I am the last person who wants to be fed lies. You know this, the lies never stay hidden they always come to light.”

Well his reaction surprised me but it didn’t. He denied it all, even though I had proof. He went off like I have never seen before, accusing me of lying. Trying to blame me for his outburst. I was to blame for his anger, because he was livid.

How dare I?

I sat there and just read what he said. I wasn’t angry, I had no reaction. Nor did I respond, because I don’t argue with ego.

I recognized the ego fighting and trying to defend itself. I let him say what he needed. Accuse, blame, and hurt. That’s what ego does. In his mind he is right, he believes the lie he told. Who am I to argue? Nothing I could have said would have changed that. I stepped back. I allowed him to be who he thinks he is.

People don’t faze me like they used to. I have learned to see beyond the face they give to the world. It makes me sad that some feel the need to live life hidden. I am a very understanding person, I understand life. I don’t need to be told fables. I don’t get the point of lies. I really don’t.

This was eye opening to me. I chose to see this person in his true essence. The person living through the heart. True self has no room for ego. True self is love.

I realized not everyone is living in that way. But still I choose to see the good in people. He went into defense mode, and stung who he thought was the enemy trying to take the mask off.

I am not the enemy. The enemy is ego.

Once we start to see what ego does and we are mindful we become conscious of that and change it. The soul has no secret that the behavior does not reveal. It all comes to light.

There is so much magic in honesty and I wish everyone could see that.

People, who are hurt, view the world as a hurtful place. We all react from a place of our state. We don’t separate it. Those who are in pain who are suffering inflict pain. Love them anyway. Because they need it more than you realize. That’s how they protect themselves they sting others.

I get it. I see it.

I still love you for my love has no conditions. But I won’t allow your ego to hurt me. I won’t allow your ego to belittle me. I will love you from afar until you see who you truly are.

– Z

 

Sexual Abuse

 

I have experienced sexual abuse; I have been depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. A lot of the sexual abuse I endured I have blocked out. It’s hidden in me, somewhere locked in the shadows. I have hidden the worst of it. But that still didn’t help me.

I still know it happened. I still have some memories of the trauma. It took me a long time to not be angry at myself for what happened. Yes at myself. Like many victims do, I blamed myself.

Why?

Well I couldn’t as an 8 year old child grasp that someone would inflict such pain on to a child unless that child deserved it? But what child deserves that regardless of any action right?

Well it doesn’t make sense, but back then I needed to blame someone. It was me. So on top of the abuse and the scars and trauma that left I was cruel to myself. It was a horrible cycle, a self-destructing one.

I was silent about my abuse. I didn’t tell a soul. I carried all of that pain with me. I blamed myself and he did too. Why wouldn’t another adult? He also threatened me, with harming my sister. I would never allow anyone else do endure what I was going through. I was quiet as it was but now more so. I never cried. I would internalize all the pain. It was such a bad childhood. That clouded any good that might have been around. I blocked about 90% of my childhood. I can be shown pictures of me laughing as a child or any activity and I can’t for the life of me remember any of it.

My mom noticed the changes. She would sit with me and ask me to please talk to her.” Are you ok?” “I don’t think you are, please talk to me.” I kept quiet. She asked the schools counselor to please talk to me. The change was noticed. But I never budged. I would have meetings with the counselor and I would sit there. She knew something was off, but I never allowed myself to open up. I was so ashamed and felt so dirty.

One time she held me. I broke down and cried my heart out. Some of that sorrow was released. I couldn’t help it, she held me and I felt safe. She never pushed me, but I had a safe place now. But still I never divulged anything to her.

I didn’t know how to deal with the emotional pain. I started to cut myself. I always did it in my thigh nobody could see it and ask questions. I hid it well. I would sit in the darkness many nights and cry, I cried to my dog. He was the only one who ever saw me cry. I cut myself to release some of that build up I was carrying. Many nights I sat with the blade on my wrist. Just does it, I would tell myself. It would all be over. I never had the courage to do so. I hated myself. I gained weight thinking oh this will make him stop. I tried to look how I felt.

It didn’t work. He stopped when I left elementary school. I was too old. The damage he did on me was horrible. I had no confidence, I was emerged in this shell, and I feared men. I feared life. I had anxiety.

I experienced cruelty in my own family. How would the world treat me? I had no self-love. He broke me. I felt it. I felt unworthy, I was damaged. But to the world I put on a smile and nobody asked questions. I felt used. But when it stopped I felt like trash. What did I do to make him stop? I was grateful but also terrified. Was he doing this to anyone else? But still I didn’t break my silence.

Here I was going to start high school, what was I to expect? Any time an adult male could get close my heart would race. I would stop breathing; shaking because I was so terrified they would hurt me. I was walking around in a body of a teenager but feeling like this eight year old child, defenseless.

It took me a long time to admit to anyone that it happened. I never let that define me though. Once it stopped I locked it up and kept moving forward. I never allowed myself time to heal. My mom still doesn’t know it happened, I have healed. I don’t want her to put blame on herself or to open up old wounds. It took my first relationship I had with a man for me to face my shadow, and truly admit to myself that it happened. It took years for me to heal and feel worthy of love.

Why did it happen?

I don’t know. But I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I was stronger than I realized. I know now that it molded me into this woman that I am now. I understand abuse unfortunately. I am over protective of my niece and sisters; I know how to recognize abuse. I am a victim. I am not at fault. Realizing that alone healed a lot for me.

Many years after the abuse, I told a family member. She told me her sister had been abused by that same person. I felt so much guilt. I was ashamed I didn’t say anything. Did I keeping my mouth shut about this cause her to be abused?

All these emotions overwhelmed me. I was naïve thinking he wouldn’t touch anyone else. He was a predator. I would see him at family functions and he terrified me. I transformed back into this little girl. Every time I would see him with his daughters my heart would sink. Did he abuse them to?

He didn’t.

He didn’t harm them. I was grateful. I don’t know how many he abused. Someone at one point confronted him. She was brave and told. He denied it. The family stood behind him. I knew. I was still ashamed knowing they didn’t believe her hurt. I didn’t say anything. They reported him to the authorities and he fled.

He was out of the country for years. I was finally able to breathe. He passed away a few months ago.

I felt nothing. I haven’t forgiven him. I don’t know if I can. He never admitted to anything. I never got an apology. I don’t understand why. But I know I won’t get those answers. I had to be ok with that.

You didn’t break my spirit. I felt torn down and I felt self-hate, but you didn’t break my humanity.

I still see the good in people. I will always see the good in the world. I don’t know why I had to go through that. Why it had to be me. I will never comprehend why any human would harm another. You didn’t define me. I chose to rise when I could have been destructive and turn to drugs.

You didn’t break me. I am thriving.

If, you have faced abuse or if you are currently please know that you are not to be blamed. Please allow yourself to talk to someone. Don’t let them control you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to family. I will listen. Find a safe place a safe person and express yourself. I wish I would have spoken up. Things would have been different. My mom would have listened. I know that now. I had opportunities but allowed fear to take control.

Please speak up.

You are loved. You are worthy.

 

-Z

 

 

Money

Money has been thought of as the root of all evil. Why?
Money comes to all of us with ease if we allow it to. But most have this love hate relationship with money. So what happens? We keep it away. We create blockages; we create situations in which we lack money in which money is drained from us.
For money to flow to us we must remove the taboo that we have created with it. Money is a blessing. Money flows to me easy. So, said my higher self. I agree it does. When, we create the mentality for it.
But when we come from a place of lack and a mentality of such well guess what? YOU will lack. It’s that easy. We have to change our mentality with Money. Those who have money flowing to them don’t think money is bad at all! In fact they love it and they know it will come to them.
It’s the law, she said. What we think we create. I know it sounds like magic right?
But guess what, we are creators. What we focus on becomes. EASY. All that focused energy has to become something. Be mindful of how you think of money or anything else for that matter. The thing is in order to manifest it you must believe it is coming without an ounce of doubt.

Trust me in works.
The knowing and that intent will bring it to you. We are magical beings.
Does it sound like a bunch of crap? Well that’s your perception. You aren’t ready for the abundance yet. Open your horizons to the magic that is this place.
We all get to this point eventually some sooner, than others. But its ok, the time is always right. I see friends struggling trying to earn it. They have the mentality that it’s hard to obtain. I have tried to explain it but I sound crazy and that’s ok. They don’t think it can be so easy. But it is.
Create your reality!
I can bring the horse to the water but I can’t force him to drink.

– Z

Loss.

How long does one have to mourn a loss?

Its been four years for me. Yet some memories trigger me back to that moment and all this sorrow and tears overwhelm me. I have felt , no I have been made to feel like I have surpassed the time allowed to heal.

Still? I am asked. Making me feel ashamed. Am I doing something wrong? Did I not go through all the stages of mourning? Or do I just happen to have shitty friends?

Well, the latter.

What gives anyone the authority to tell me how to mourn someone? We all heal in due time and we all take different times to do so. We are all different.

I saw him pass in front of me. That was traumatic for me. That memory has imprinted on to my spirit. A sound, a hospital, a conversation has triggered it. What can I do with that?

I cant control how the memory overtakes me nor can I control the emotions that come with it. I am doing so much better than I was. But some days it get to me. I wont apologize for it.

Loss is painful. I commend anyone who has dealt with it and has risen. It isn’t easy. But we chose to keep our faith and keep walking. Some don’t some go into self destruction mode or end up depressed.

We all handle it different. If you are depressed, know that you are not alone. Its ok to mourn , its ok to cry. Cry please do it. Release all those pent up emotions that we tend to bury. To keep all that stored up in our body is toxic. Mentally, spiritually and physically.

To heal one self is courage. To get out of bed and continue living when its the last thing you want to do is courage.

You are stronger than you believe. Don’t let no one tell you other wise. Don’t let anyone rush your healing process. You know yourself better than anyone else.

We will rise.

You will rise.

-Z