Cycles

From the days leading to the eclipse and now still my emotions child, are running crazy.

The moon affects me in ways I can’t understand. As I woman I am n sync with the moon, my body cleanses itself. But the eclipse it’s brought up shadows in me. It has made me really see how I have created my reality. We are creators I have said that before. I see how some patterns have affected me now, stemming from childhood. I didn’t realize it until literally a few days ago. I have had several Aha moments, which turned into, well shit moment.

I read something online that triggered one of those moments. It said something along the lines of “I have never had an example of what a real man does in a relationship, so I accept all the things that are toxic.” I sat there looking at that statement and all I could think was damn.

My father was around but wasn’t present. He was a drunk; most of the days were spent sleeping in the couch while our world kept moving. He was never a father or a husband. I grew up without that male figure that I needed. I always thought it didn’t affect me in a deep level. Well I was wrong. It did, I just never connected the dots I guess, and I never tracked it back to the lack of a father. Men have been toxic to me; it all began with my father.

I am mind blown at this realization. It all makes sense now. How could I not see that?

The man who was the one who contributed life to create me didn’t care. Alcohol was more important. If that one person who is “supposed” to love you and guide you failed then what else was I to expect from other men?

I learned early on that I wasn’t worth the time or energy. Not from men anyway. I correlated my worth with the lack of attention my father gave me. He didn’t see my worth so why would anyone else? That’s deep. I finally see it. So I didn’t trust men, I still don’t. I expected them to be albescent in my life. So I attracted men who were in a way absent and most where emotionally not present.

I attracted that. I created that for myself. I see that now.

Then when I was sexually abused that made it worse. I needed my father to rescue me, to defend me. He didn’t. I felt I deserved it all of that bullshit. My self-worth was nonexistent. Again another man taught me this is what I deserved. That part of my life I blacked out. It will come to light to I presume.

But back to my dad, you see how I created these conditions for myself?

Its toxic way of going around life, all the men in my life have been emotionally absent. That was my normal. But I craved emotional intimacy, I still do. But now I see what I have done, and what I have created. I’m going to change it.

My father may have not been ready to be a dad, but there I was. He may have not known how to be a father to a girl, but there I was. He could have changed his ways but he didn’t. That’s on him. He missed out on my life, and I can’t do anything about it now. I accepted early on that it was just my mom. He asked me for forgiveness a few months ago, I didn’t even know how to take it. I sat there with no emotion. All I could think was but why couldn’t you put in the effort like you did with my brother? He has a relationship with him. I didn’t say anything, I was empty.

He just looked into my eyes and I could see he meant it. But I was frozen; I didn’t know how to take it. It’s done, he hurt me more than he realizes. I am happy my brother has a relationship with him; I just don’t see myself opening up to him.

I need to heal these traumas now. No more accepting less than what I deserve. I have gone through a lot in my life and I am so grateful for moments like this that allow me to heal and see how I have been toxic to myself.

Change begins with us. I will break the cycle now; my kids won’t have these issues.

It ends with me.

-Z

Release

I’ve met someone.

But not for the first time, my soul recognize him. I can’t pin point to you from when. I just have this knowing and this trust that this isn’t our first time around one another.

This wasn’t our first encounter, it was a reunion. That’s how I feel. I can’t find the words to express this feeling but I know I don’t want it to disappear. The feeling of familiarity was mutual. It’s like we haven’t seen one another in years and it didn’t matter, we picked up right where we left off.

He is comfort, laughter, trust, and magic. He is in my same wave length. The connection is spiritual he recognizes it as well, he trusted before I did.

I feared it.

I was in a situationship before, he was a narcissist. Need I say more?

He fucked me up mentally. I didn’t feel I was worthy. He would bring me down but boost me up enough to keep me around. I knew it was a situationship, I knew he didn’t define me. I knew that was his perspective and not my truth. But I stayed around, because deep in me this is what I felt I deserved. He brought out of my insecurities my fears. He didn’t bring out the bliss in me.

I didn’t realize he was a narcissist though, until recently. That really got me. That’s when the veil finally dropped and I saw him for what he was. But I also understood why he acted like he did, controlling a situation because of fear, hiding behind this ego.

Ego is fear based I see that. People hide behind what they can. I know he was hidden self and protecting himself as well. I could see it. As much as I tried to “save him” and tried to show him he wasn’t that, that ego was a liar he wasn’t ready. I had to learn the hard way that I’m not responsible for saving anyone. We all have to walk our path and grow; I can’t fight anyone else’s battle, or force them to see what they aren’t ready to. My problem is and will be that I can see people for who they really are, behind ego, their true self. I saw it in him, but I allowed him to hurt me thinking “but I see you, this isn’t you, it’s just a phase.” It maybe I don’t know, but he wasn’t ready to let go of fear and allow someone to love him.

Love scared him. Love to him is pain. I can’t force anyone else to see my truth when their truth is different. I tried until I ran ragged. I hope one day you see that all I wanted was to love you, and I did. You pushed me away but this time I’m not coming back. I love myself more. I love myself enough to walk away and let you find yourself.

Looking back a lot of things now made sense. But things happen as they need to. I was ready to let go. I had to really work on myself to release those shadows buried with in me of unworthiness.

I did. I told myself enough. You may have felt broken and unwanted at one point or another but not anymore. I am worthy of love. I am deserving. I won’t allow others to treat me like this. I have grown to love myself for who I am. That has been a long and difficult road but I’m here now.

I kid you not; as soon as I released the toxic energy fell into place for me to meet him.

I needed to put myself first, to understand that I deserved everything good. Once I saw that and released those thoughts the universe sent me someone who saw everything in me I finally did.

He makes me laugh, he understand me. He understands the way I view life. I am vibrating higher now.

But why do we settle? We are condition by previous circumstances we have been through I feel. I know I was. But we have to learn to releases someone else’s perspective on us. THEIR perspective is not our truth. No one defines me but me.

No one can bring me down to that level unless I allow it. No more.

I am worthy.

Fuck what anyone else thinks of me in any form.

You don’t define any part of me. I love myself enough.

– Z

Allow

I sit at my desk, I have plenty to do. But instead I chose to write. Writing has been an escape for me, I write the pain away. It has been a good way to release for me.

This blog is that, a release. I tend to keep to myself, I tend to internalize. I need to talk things out when I am having internal conflict with myself or anyone.

I am able to detangle the chaos.

I can see it in my mind; I can see how my action or lack thereof brought me to the situations I am in.

I don’t have any issue to resolve but have you just sat and observed all that is?

I am sitting here watching the palm trees from the window, the wind making them dance for me. It’s a beautiful sight to see.

I am tiny in this world. I am but a mere soul in the universe. I watch the plants on the window and see how day by day they grow. I water them and I talk to them, I see them giving birth to a new leaf or I see them grow stronger.

I also see how they let go, of those that no longer serve them. It’s a part of the cycle. Let go, to allow something else within us to flourish.

How beautiful is that. The plant doesn’t see it as anything else but growth. But we humans tend to put so much thought into letting go.

Why?

It’s all part of growing. We should be more like nature and allow. But here I sit knowing that we have emotions that make things so much more complex.

Observe how magical we are and how magical everything else is. I had a blister on my thumb the skin peeled off and the skin was raw. It hurt to the touch or any movement.

I have been watching it heal. How amazing is our body. Every day I saw the progress, the energy it took to heal me. It didn’t ask for anything it just healed.

Now the wound has healed it sealed itself and left no scar. We take advantage of the power of our body. How wonderful it is to us, and yet some of us disrespect it. We don’t nourish it; we abuse it to a degree. But it doesn’t care it still heals us.

Observe how small you are in this universe yet powerful. We are creators. We bring life into the world.

We are so complex. We are a part of all that is.

I sit here in awe of what is. Of how everything just flows, if we allow it. .

Nothing is ever out of place, everything coexist in harmony, if we allow it.

Allow it.

-Z

Childhood

Growing up love wasn’t spoken of or said to me or any of us.

Growing up in a Mexican household its almost taboo, well it was in my family. Machismo takes over; pride doesn’t allow men to love or to show emotion. Men are stern, and proud. Affection wasn’t something I had growing up.

It was something I craved. But I didn’t get it. It just wasn’t us. You learn to live in a certain setting that was mine. But we are able to stop cycles and create new ones. For that I am grateful.

I don’t know why, but no one in the family ever says it. It doesn’t make any of us less or weaker because we talk about it or express it. But it had been going on for generations. We tend to replicate what we know. I never blame either parent it was how they grew up.

But now I am choosing to create change. I make sure my niece and nephews are able to express themselves without it feeling awkward. From the time they were young I always made sure they knew I loved them. Make sure they knew and heard how beautiful they are. How proud I am of them. I want them to understand and know their worth. To be able to walk with their heads high knowing they are loved.

I am proud of my brother for also changing. I constantly see him being affectionate to his kids. Telling them he loves them. I’m glad he also broke that cycle. It took my mom a little bit but after the birth of my youngest sister she now makes sure we know.

This may seem weird to some. But it has been my reality for so long. I am grateful that we are creating change in our family. Machismo isn’t something we are feeding anymore.

If we want something to change we have to be catalyst for it.

Alcohol was also very prominent in our family. Growing up with an alcoholic dad wasn’t fun. It was sad, and hurtful. Drinking is made to be very normal. We are encouraged to drink for a young age. It’s something we all laugh at. I was given my first sip of alcohol before I was a teenager. Its encouraged it’s laughed at. It becomes normal, more for the boys. It’s almost a rite of passage, but no one ever talks about the consequences.

My father never worked, drinking was his life. I never saw him sober. That is sad. All the memories I have of him are drinking or passed out in the couch from it. This isn’t the glamourous life; my mom had to work multiple jobs at a time just to get us fed. Even then we barely managed. Somehow she managed to pay rent but we grew up with a lot of lack. But she never let us feel it. Being the oldest I saw it, I remember it. It sucked.

I had to step in because he didn’t. I learned to cook; I kept the house clean as best as I could, I made sure my brother got up for school. Made sure the others were fed.

He would hit her. That was something no one ever said anything about. It was allowed. It was brushed under the rug. Everyone knew it but no one stood up to say enough. Not even mom, she was made to believe this was normal. It just something men do.

NO.

It’s not normal.

So much was seen growing up; so much that I wanted to change. He stole from us.

Mom bought me a ring for my quince; I know how much she had to have saved to get me that. I had told her not to have the big quinceanera for me. I knew we couldn’t afford it I refused to put her through that. Well she gave me this ring, simple but it meant the world to me.

Well my dad stole it, pawned it, and bought beer.

Happy birthday to me.

I am grateful mom had enough and divorced. He was toxic for all of us. I saw it. My siblings being younger didn’t. My brother in particular, he loved him so much nothing he did was ever wrong. He was angry at my mom for a very long time. He chose to see what he wanted until recently.

Machismo isn’t cute. Its toxic, is controlling.

Alcoholism isn’t fun, it’s shameful, it’s toxic, and it destroys.

We are made to believe they are otherwise. We laugh and joke about it. But I see nothing funny about it. We lived it.

I am grateful for the change we created. I am grateful to know that the new generation won’t be growing up in a toxic environment.

If we want change we have to create it. We have to end cycles.

Things repeat because we allow them to.

Enough is enough.

– Z