Loss.

How long does one have to mourn a loss?

Its been four years for me. Yet some memories trigger me back to that moment and all this sorrow and tears overwhelm me. I have felt , no I have been made to feel like I have surpassed the time allowed to heal.

Still? I am asked. Making me feel ashamed. Am I doing something wrong? Did I not go through all the stages of mourning? Or do I just happen to have shitty friends?

Well, the latter.

What gives anyone the authority to tell me how to mourn someone? We all heal in due time and we all take different times to do so. We are all different.

I saw him pass in front of me. That was traumatic for me. That memory has imprinted on to my spirit. A sound, a hospital, a conversation has triggered it. What can I do with that?

I cant control how the memory overtakes me nor can I control the emotions that come with it. I am doing so much better than I was. But some days it get to me. I wont apologize for it.

Loss is painful. I commend anyone who has dealt with it and has risen. It isn’t easy. But we chose to keep our faith and keep walking. Some don’t some go into self destruction mode or end up depressed.

We all handle it different. If you are depressed, know that you are not alone. Its ok to mourn , its ok to cry. Cry please do it. Release all those pent up emotions that we tend to bury. To keep all that stored up in our body is toxic. Mentally, spiritually and physically.

To heal one self is courage. To get out of bed and continue living when its the last thing you want to do is courage.

You are stronger than you believe. Don’t let no one tell you other wise. Don’t let anyone rush your healing process. You know yourself better than anyone else.

We will rise.

You will rise.

-Z

 

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love.

Why are men scared of love? Well let me rephrase that , why are some humans afraid of such a beautiful feeling?

I have therapeutic conversations with myself on my drives. Its soothing and I untangle some issues myself with the help of the more advanced portion of my self the higher self. I understand that we all have been hurt at some point in our lives. Trust me I have felt some heartbreak. But why is love blamed ?

Love is pure, love is our essence. It’s who we are in our core. Once of course we let our ego take a back seat. But we all tend to blame love. We must learn to separate love from the human cause of pain.

You know what hurt me? Lies. It breaks trust, once that is gone we have all these doubts about that special someone. We start creating situations and scenarios and drive ourselves crazy. We cause unnecessary turmoil to ourselves.

Cheating hurts. Feeling like we aren’t good enough. Causing us to feel less than, unworthy. Leading us to feel inadequate, or as if we are lacking something. We compare ourselves and wonder why? What did I do?

Those things cause heartache. I just don’t understand humans who cheat or lie. Why not just be honest. Communication isn’t present. You can be doing it all right and still betrayal . Its not love. Humans who don’t understand what love is or who are scared of surrendering themselves to it inflict pain. Sometimes its unintentional its self sabotage.

I understand though, I really do.

But despite all of it, I want it. I miss the connection  humans in love have.

Its pure. Its bliss. Its beautiful.

But we allow ego to take over instead. Ego is a liar. But it feels safe. It makes us feel though and secure. So we linger in ego. Because of it we miss the greatest thing we have been given. Yes, people’s action will cause us pain.  We can’t control how others will see us or how they will love us.

But you can control how you react and what your actions are. I know I am more aware of what I put out to the world now. Loss will teach you. I did me. Love people because its feels good. Some people that I have met are tough don’t like to show emotions because ego tells them it makes them weak to do so. Love those souls a little harder.

Go out of your way for people, help them , love them show them the world still is loving. One action can trigger a bigger effect one that we may not see but do it  anyway.

Your response to their actions shows your character not theirs.

Love will heal them.

  • Z