Cycles

From the days leading to the eclipse and now still my emotions child, are running crazy.

The moon affects me in ways I can’t understand. As I woman I am n sync with the moon, my body cleanses itself. But the eclipse it’s brought up shadows in me. It has made me really see how I have created my reality. We are creators I have said that before. I see how some patterns have affected me now, stemming from childhood. I didn’t realize it until literally a few days ago. I have had several Aha moments, which turned into, well shit moment.

I read something online that triggered one of those moments. It said something along the lines of “I have never had an example of what a real man does in a relationship, so I accept all the things that are toxic.” I sat there looking at that statement and all I could think was damn.

My father was around but wasn’t present. He was a drunk; most of the days were spent sleeping in the couch while our world kept moving. He was never a father or a husband. I grew up without that male figure that I needed. I always thought it didn’t affect me in a deep level. Well I was wrong. It did, I just never connected the dots I guess, and I never tracked it back to the lack of a father. Men have been toxic to me; it all began with my father.

I am mind blown at this realization. It all makes sense now. How could I not see that?

The man who was the one who contributed life to create me didn’t care. Alcohol was more important. If that one person who is “supposed” to love you and guide you failed then what else was I to expect from other men?

I learned early on that I wasn’t worth the time or energy. Not from men anyway. I correlated my worth with the lack of attention my father gave me. He didn’t see my worth so why would anyone else? That’s deep. I finally see it. So I didn’t trust men, I still don’t. I expected them to be albescent in my life. So I attracted men who were in a way absent and most where emotionally not present.

I attracted that. I created that for myself. I see that now.

Then when I was sexually abused that made it worse. I needed my father to rescue me, to defend me. He didn’t. I felt I deserved it all of that bullshit. My self-worth was nonexistent. Again another man taught me this is what I deserved. That part of my life I blacked out. It will come to light to I presume.

But back to my dad, you see how I created these conditions for myself?

Its toxic way of going around life, all the men in my life have been emotionally absent. That was my normal. But I craved emotional intimacy, I still do. But now I see what I have done, and what I have created. I’m going to change it.

My father may have not been ready to be a dad, but there I was. He may have not known how to be a father to a girl, but there I was. He could have changed his ways but he didn’t. That’s on him. He missed out on my life, and I can’t do anything about it now. I accepted early on that it was just my mom. He asked me for forgiveness a few months ago, I didn’t even know how to take it. I sat there with no emotion. All I could think was but why couldn’t you put in the effort like you did with my brother? He has a relationship with him. I didn’t say anything, I was empty.

He just looked into my eyes and I could see he meant it. But I was frozen; I didn’t know how to take it. It’s done, he hurt me more than he realizes. I am happy my brother has a relationship with him; I just don’t see myself opening up to him.

I need to heal these traumas now. No more accepting less than what I deserve. I have gone through a lot in my life and I am so grateful for moments like this that allow me to heal and see how I have been toxic to myself.

Change begins with us. I will break the cycle now; my kids won’t have these issues.

It ends with me.

-Z

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